This Stories of Strength project is a celebration of the extraordinary strength of the people of Havering, UK. It is a project by Strong Lady Productions, in partnership with Havering Changing (a Creative People and Places organisation supported by Arts Council England).
These stories were told in answer to the question: “Can you tell me about a time when you were strong?” We interviewed people in shopping centres, community centres and high streets, then shared them in a printed exhibition as well as this online gallery. Enjoy!
Click on a photo to HEAR + READ that STORY of STRENGTH.
Story told in Orchard Village, HAVERING, UK (2020)
My Name is Denise… I am Strong.
My time when I am strong… it’s creating some activity.
I’m talking with my child. I do some playing, games - to enjoy my children! Just to play. Creating something, joking, making happy! Maybe in the house making cake, just to enjoy the cake! Just to play something very nice, for me and my family to enjoy it, that’s what makes me strong.
Just to forget. I was sore… weak… but I will be strong.
Sometimes I stand up, I read my book, I do activities for my children, to draw, to paint - Like a busy lady! But I’m not busy. But I make my life busy! To be stronger.
I go swimming, go playing tennis with my kids - to ENJOY the life! That’s it.
When something difficult came to me, maybe I was down, not strong any more… but I was so down that I needed to [lift myself up]. Every time, I looked for something to enjoy. Working, walking, going outside, playing, seeing people - maybe go shopping. Walk the shops and see what’s happening, nice - ok I’m back home and feeling relaxed!
The strength comes when you make something happen! You make your activity. That makes you strong. That makes you happy. When you are strong you are happy - you are alive - That’s it. Yeah.
Story told in Romford, HAVERING, UK (2020)
I’m John… and I still enjoy my life at 83, how about that!
I was born in 1938. I lived through the war in Islington, in London, during the blitz - survived it. My father died in the RAF in ’43. My mother had 4 children, she brought 4 of us up in a small flat in Islington. 2 bedrooms, 1 living room, small kitchen with a toilet in it, and cold water. Right? That was the start of my life. Anyway… we got through the war, we lived through it, fortunately.
Then I left school at 15. I left school on the Friday, I had an interview at Kings Cross Station… and I started work there on the Monday as a cleaner on steam engines… and I never left. I stayed there 50 years. In the same job! Cleaning the filthy dirty engines. Horrible job, no masks, nothing. Then I got made a fireman on the steam engines, and I was firing them. Then I became a driver and I was driving steam engines. Anyway, the men that I worked with (unfortunately there was only men then), the men that I worked with were some of the finest men you could ever wish to meet. But that’s the camaraderie you build up when you’re enjoying something that you’re doing.
It’s like any job, once you get used to it you find an easy way and a hard way to do it. All right, some days were worse than others… but you get over that, it’s just… you remember the good times. You’ve got today! You’re alive! Enjoy your life, wherever you can.
Yeah, you going to have ups, you’re going to have downs, you’re going to be this, you’re going to be that… but you’ve just got to work through it. I mean… I was married for 54 years. I had a wonderful woman. A fantastic lady. We had a wonderful life with her, she was very positive. Unfortunately I lost her about 8 years ago, through cancer, which she had for about 9 years. It didn’t stop us, we still travelled the world. Just because she’s got cancer, doesn’t stop you doing things. You make the best of it.
I would never let her get down - and she would never let me get down.
If she was upset, then I used to try to… “come on, get your clothes on, let’s get out girl”… and she would do the same! If I came home from work, had a bad day or tired… “get yourself up, we’re going out”. And we would go out. Oh we had rows, but not many, not many. She was a lovely lady.
It’s one of those things, if somebody gets cancer - be it the man or the woman - if you’ve got a partner, you’ve got to try and get through it. I know you’re not going to, invariably the end is not very nice, it wasn’t with me…. But… she was positive right through until that last 6 months. And then, of course, eventually she went to hospital. She was in there on the Saturday and on the Monday I got the phone call, “come down”, it was only The Queens.
Gone.
Alright. So now, she’s gone. But what she left me was her legacy… in doing things that we used to do together, but now… what she was doing was, she was training me for this time, because now I can live the same as I was, even with her.
I’ve had a wonderful life, I really have. I’ve had my ups and I’ve had my downs, but it’s just… You can’t rehearse tomorrow.
No matter where you are or who you are - I don’t care who you are, you can plan tomorrow, but you don’t know what’s going to happen.
Enjoy every moment! Enjoy every minute you can!
Story told in Romford, HAVERING, UK (2020)
My name is Natalie… and I am strong.
I’d say it was back in march, when the schools closed. I suddenly found myself at home, with my two children. I was thinking “what on earth do I do here?” My husband was at that time, locked upstairs, away on lots of phone calls - because obviously no one really knew what was happening at work…
It was a very unusual… surreal… and incredibly difficult, challenging time.
What amazed me (when I look back on it and wonder how I really got through that) was, as a human, how you are able to adapt. The resilience that we actually have - that we don’t realise we have.
So I found that actually I’ve become much more resourceful. Looking back… 3 or 4 weeks on, when I had a structure: I knew what I was doing, I knew what lessons I was giving them - and I just kind of became completely involved in that. It was just a total focus and nothing else seemed to really matter.
You know, I love learning. So for me it was a kind of learning experience as well. I was learning new stuff as well as my children learning new stuff. New ways of being. We cooked together - we hadn’t done that before.
It was about: so this is a bad and difficult situation, but I’m going to make the best of it. Really, it was just that my mindset changed - and there were things that I kind of looked forward to. When my husband finished work, we’d all go for a walk around the block - and suddenly there was no traffic and there were birds singing! And it was like “Ah, this is great!” You know, this isn’t going to be like this forever. So let’s just appreciate it while we can.
I think I probably had an evening of self pity… but really, that next morning I just suddenly thought: “No. This is survival. I need to make this fun for them.” I needed to stop listening to the news, because actually, that was too overwhelming and I couldn’t manage those feelings with “I’m wanting to make this fun” and wanting to get them through the day… to actually create this as quite a positive experience for them to look back on.
When you’re thrown into something, you sink or swim… and… it took a while, but I swam.
Story told in Romford, HAVERING, UK (2020)
My name is Menuka Khand… I am from Nepal, and I believe I am strong enough.
As you know I’m from another country, so my struggle point was in 2005, when I came here with my husband. Being a foreigner, I mean, from another country, I was having trouble with speaking as well. It’s a second language, so it was very difficult to communicate to the people. At that time I didn’t have any kids, only me and my husband. We used to go to work every day, and we couldn’t have time to spend together because we needed to make money first, to settle down here.
I was staying in Reading, which is out of London. I couldn’t connect to the people there much. So I was working in a restaurant, at that time, and the timetable was very… not good… so I came home at 11 o’clock, 12 o’clock in the night time. I didn’t have a car or anything. Whenever the job finished at 12 o’clock, there was no transportation or anything, so I had to walk. So at that time, one incident happened… Somebody tried to snatch my things and rob me - that one was very dangerous. I couldn’t do anything because they were youngsters, kids.
They stopped me on the road. I asked for help, I screamed… nobody came to me. That was very… I felt very bad that time. It’s like, you have so many houses around me, and they don’t come to help anyone. It’s strange for me, because this country is not safe for me. I was thinking - what’s the point in staying around people, it’s like I’m in the jungle or something, no one is coming! So, that time, I ran away.
I saved myself.
At that time we were struggling, because if I don’t go to work, we couldn’t manage for our survival things… If I go to work, it’s like that situation. Luckily my husband is an electrician, and finally he got an opportunity, in London. So we moved to London. At the same time, I was pregnant. That time was very bad. My husband was very hard working, so we didn’t meet often. I didn’t see him in the week time, after week time. He’d come late, he went early mornings.
So I didn’t see him for one week, two weeks, you know… and I was waiting for his day off. That was a very, struggle time, to me.
I managed to look after myself, at the pregnancy time.
That was the most struggling point of my life. After that, I got used to this country. I’m doing the dental nurse course now. So I’m settling down, having good work, and my husband is earning good money. I have two kids.
I’m having a good life… But having this life, there is a struggle behind it… what we faced in that time. I think that when you have a weakness, you have to make your weakness as a strength as well. I believe that. So whenever I feel lonely or emotionally alone and I don’t get any support… I can overcome that now, easily. I got used to it. I know how to cope with it.
This is life, I think. So I overcame those struggle times… yeah…
I make my weakness as a strength as well.
Story told in Harold Hill, HAVERING, UK (2020)
My name is Celina… and I am strong.
Right… my story… ok… well…
In school, years ago when I was about year 8, I was bullied for years. God. For about a good 4 years, and it got really bad. Really bad. You know, bad things happened and I lashed out at my family a lot.
But then, when I left, I really sorted myself out. I went to therapy. It didn’t always help, but I did sort myself out. And I started here - and do you know what, this job has changed my life.
It’s an amazing thing, the feeling I got, because all through school I felt so horrible. Then… When I came here and no one would bother me, and the people here were lovely, and I thought: No…
I felt so worthless before, but now I’m like… No.
I am something. You know what I mean? I am worthy.
And It makes me feel so good about myself.
So, since everything I went through, then talking about it and starting this job - starting something I love - I am the woman I am today, because of all that.
I feel so much stronger now. I used to be so…
I used to cry a lot. I used to take everything to heart
and now I’m like - nah.
I think when you go through something so dramatic it’s… having a clean slate and leaving everything else behind. It helped. It is the change. I love change!
Oh I have my bad days, don’t get me wrong, we all do.
I used to look at myself and think, I’m so weak, because I never fought back. I never fought the bullies back. But now I stand up for myself. Even if you don’t fight back, it doesn’t mean you’re not strong. You’re not weak, you’re just vulnerable and you don’t know what to do. So after that, I do stand up for myself now and I think… No.
We’ve all got a strength if we want to show it. Definitely. We’ve all got it inside us.
It’s a good feeling when you know you’ve got your strength though. When you’ve got it you’re like: yeah. I am strong.
Story told in Orchard Village, HAVERING, UK (2020)
My Name is Daniel… and I am Strong.
Probably when I first had my first child… That would probably be the first time I ever felt strong.
Coming into myself and being a proper adult - I felt like an actual grown up. Instead of doing things for myself, I had to do things for other people, so… yeah… it was a good thing! When I had my first child I felt like that made me a stronger person, a lot better.
I had to get rid of a few of my own issues. I had a lot of anger problems, that I used to use as a tool when I was younger. They weren’t a big deal for me when I was younger and didn’t have responsibilities, but obviously, when those responsibilities came along I had to calm myself down… be a role model. It was time… it was time… it was a lot of time and effort I had to put in.
Literally from the moment I first saw him and he came into the world, I thought: I’ve got to be a better person now. Because he’s here. So that’s what I did. I had to change.
And it’s difficult, because you’re going against something that’s natural for you to do. I’m sure that my friend here, he’s probably been through the same thing… It’s something that you’ve got to get through. And it’s natural when you’ve got just yourself to look after - but now you’ve got a little one to look after. They rely on you and you’ve got to make changes. So that’s it.
I’m pretty driven, so I will sit there and think about something… and think about a way to do it.
So I try to take a positive out of everything.
Even if it is really bad and it looks dire, I still sit there and think: you know what, there’s something that can be gained from it. You know what I mean? I’m more looking past it, trying to see the end through it.
I don’t like to sit there and to be stuck at the start of it, thinking IF we’re going to get through it. I’m saying: look, this is what’s going to happen - we’re GOING to get through it. And then this is what we’re going to do to make sure it doesn’t happen again. I’m one of those sorts of people.
It’s only since I got rid of those anger issues that I’m more focused on things, because I wouldn’t have been able to do it otherwise. Ever since I got rid of them, I’m a lot better.
I can only think I’ve done a good job… and the kids tell me I’m alright… so that’s alright.
Story told in Orchard Village, HAVERING, UK (2020)
My Name is Page… and I am Strong.
Obviously there are a lot of things, but I think the one thing I would probably have to say is the most powerful moment - as a woman - would probably be when the word rape no longer affected me.
And it was a word again.
A word that didn’t have any image or… just any sort of feeling or negative feeling to it. I had taken power back from that name. So it’s like, I’ve taken it back. I’ve taken back the power to want to be female, to want to be beautiful.
I’ve taken the power back to say:
Ok, that happened to me - but that isn’t me.
Not any more.
Not any more.
But then again, I do think that being a single parent to a 2 year old… you don’t have time to be ill or have mental strains. That’s why I always say to people, acknowledge. Because if you don’t have the time, it’ll come back when you do have the time.
Acknowledge that feeling you’re feeling: happy… or sad… or irritation… or contentment. Because acknowledging it gives it more power and allows it to manifest, to grow into something - that could actually be more than contentment, more than happiness. You know? A change from sadness.
So I just kept trying to say the word - acknowledging that I couldn’t say the word. And then, one day, I was able to say the word. Acknowledging the fact that I could say the word made it more powerful. Made it a stronger thing, by allowing myself to say:
WOW. I don’t let that word affect me as I did.
I used to lower my voice.
I used to change my demeanour.
Now it’s just a word.
Rape - r.a.p.e
Story told in Harold Hill, HAVERING, UK (2020)
My name is Ricardo… I come from Portugal and I’m very strong.
I can only tell you really… the only thing I can think of… is when I moved to England, in 2013.
I was in the navy back home and left the navy to be closer to family. Then my Mrs decided to come and work in England, to progress her career.
I was a mechanic, but because I wasn’t a qualified mechanic, I had no chance here. I tried to apply for jobs, but never got into them… So I was a bit lost. I first started working in Stansted, working a bar. I went from there, to working in a petrol station.
Until one day, a cab driver told me
“Ric, you’re better than this. You can do better.”
A friend of mine, my best mate back home, he said to me
“Why don’t you go for Barbering? Because it’s becoming a big thing here… And you do you own hair, so…”
And I was like…
“Barbering?”
Then one day I just got fed up. I googled it and saw this academy, in Shoreditch, and I went from there… I’ve been doing it for 4 years now. That’s pretty much the story, because I was feeling a bit lost - I was a mechanic and I always loved doing that - and now I’m a barber. So yeah, I’m happy.
I was 30 and the difficulty, in my situation, was that I was getting old to start getting qualified in something. I was really worried… I went to Tony and Guy… and I said I was 30, and they said
“Well, you’re a bit too old now, to get into an apprenticeship.”
And I was like…
“I’m old? I’m just 30.”
And I was a bit worried that I had to start immediately and I didn’t really know what to do, but then I found the academy… and I went for it.
How did I find my strength? Looking at my Mrs and seeing her be successful. I just wanted to do the same and keep up with her. It’s pretty much a personal goal - which is doing something for myself and trying to be as successful as I can be. So I’ve put in a lot of work, I watch a lot of YouTube. I’ve tried to learn as quick as possible - and good. One day I’m going to open my own shop, that’s the ultimate goal.
I like it, yeah. That’s something I found out, that…
I do feel like mechanics and barbering…
I feel the same thing.
So yeah… I’m very happy.
Story told in Romford, HAVERING, UK (2020)
I am Kathy… and I’m strong.
A time of needing a lot of inner strength, was when I was experiencing a lot of bullying at work. The realisation that I was being treated differently from other people, and things were being said to me that weren’t true.
Instead of ranting or raving or complaining, I just stayed very stoic in dealing with it.
But there was also an element of fear. When I did question, I tried to question wisely, so it didn’t feel like I was retaliating. I didn’t want to seem to be retaliating - but I just quietly looked into the process behind… and thought about what was happening… and spoke to other people. So I kind of equipped myself with what I needed - in order to say: This is not me. This is not my fault. I’ve been picked out.
I think I endured it for nearly 4 years… but I didn’t make it the centre of my world… almost removing myself from it, like it’s a story, and thinking “I wonder what will be done next?”
It all began with somebody saying that I was difficult to manage. I take that as a compliment now! I think: Yes. I’m difficult to manage. That doesn’t mean that I’m not a good employee, it means that people that want to control me, and make me do things that I don’t believe in - can’t.
Yeah. My strength was in my integrity.
Story told in Romford, HAVERING, UK (2020)
My name is Edmund Marvis… and I’m happy to be strong.
It all goes back to my childhood. I was two months old. They diagnosed me with malaria, but it wasn’t malaria, the doctors got the wrong diagnosis, basically. Then they thought it was typhoid, it wasn’t malaria - at the end of the day they got to know it was meningitis - and I was two months dying! Just dying.
With meningitis, it effects the brain, the nerves, the spinal cord. They call it the central nervous system. Anybody can get it - adult, child, anyone. It’s a life and death situation here, you know what I mean?!
So they took me to the operation room and the did the operation. It was a six hour operation! My mum and dad couldn’t be in the same room, they had to walk away, it was too much. They cried, they told me, they did cry… You know, I just can’t imagine the pain they were going through.
They operated on my brain - that’s the first one they did. They closed the brain and then afterwards they had to go to the back. Had to fight… I had to fight. I was a fighter. It’s a miracle. I’m still alive - and on the second of December I’m making 26 years! So I kind of would say, I’m a blessed child.
It’s good to be alive! Seeing children dying from what God has passed me through, I say there’s still hope, for more people. I’m a bit of an inspiration to them - if they see me and they share my story - they see me and they say: “If you’ve gone through that, I can go through it!”
I’m telling people, when you go through hard times, it’s not the end. These times, they come to test us - these times they come to change us. So, it’s changed me. You know, my story changed me… What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
Story told in Romford, HAVERING, UK (2020)
My name’s Emma… and I’m strong.
My son got diagnosed with chromosome disorder, autism and ADHD. When he got diagnosed, they gave us a website to go to… and that was it… We didn’t know where to go next.
We didn’t know where to go, other than the Autism Hub, which is in Romford. I went to the Excel Centre, they did what was called ‘The Autism Show’ so I managed to get lots of information there, but there wasn’t actually anybody… It’s all well and good getting information, but there wasn’t anybody who could actually help us. The major issue with my son, that he still has, is his toileting. We’re still waiting for that help today, because nobody knows what to actually do with him. They can’t categorise him. He’s either too much for this group, or he’s not enough for the other group.
So we’ve gone through the whole process since he was 2, he’s now 7, and we’ve had no help whatsoever. We didn’t know how to interact with him. He had meltdowns… We didn’t know what we were doing… and it got to the point where we couldn’t give him the help that he needed.
I went through depression, resentment of myself, thinking that it was my fault that he is like he is… I went to talking therapies, that was my first step. Then I actually took it upon myself to go and do some free college courses, which has helped dramatically! (And I’ve told people about these courses, because they don’t even know that they exist). I found these courses online at Havering College, it’s now called NC College. I’ve actually now got a level 2 in ‘Understanding Autism’ and ‘Understanding Challenging Behaviour’ and ‘Understanding Young People’s Mental Health’ - which opened my eyes to the amount of children who are affected by mental health. It’s mainly children with disabilities, because there’s not the help there for them.
That was one of my strongest moments… and I am now actually going back to college, doing my English and Maths, to become a teaching assistant. I now want to work with children with special needs and give them the help that they need.
Yeah. I’ve survived. I can say that I’m a survivor. But, it’s because of him that I now want to do something better with my life…
I’ve learned that instead of holding back and saying “oh, I might do that” - if you want to do it, go and do it! Because, you don’t know what’s going to happen.
I live each day like it’s my last.
Story told in Romford, HAVERING, UK (2020)
I am Jacquie… and I am strong.
My story is about coping and taking over everything when my brother died, 25 years ago now. It was just me, my brother, mum and dad. So I had to look after mum and dad - making sure that they weren’t affected, as much as… as much as they can be… making it nice for them, or at least nicer, by sort of sorting things out. He took his own life, my brother.
I was an ambulance driver at the time, so the people that went there were friends I’d met at work.
They said “oh, is that your brother?”
And I said “yeah”
I said to them “what can you do for him?”
And they said “no… he died quite a little while ago… there was nothing we could do”
And I said “oh…”
I didn’t cry, just autopilot.
He was lovely my brother, he’d do anything for anyone. Just lovely. He was a gardener. Mum and dad were downstairs, so I just looked after everything really. I made sure they were a bit sheltered from everything, the nasty horrible bits. So I sorted that out, shielded mum and dad as best as I could, organised everything… It was like I was the mum for a while, you know, of mum and dad.
I could have been like one of these other people who just fell to the floor and can’t do anything… just weeping and wailing… funny, I still haven’t cried very much, I’ve just kept it all in. It was about that time that I was going to move out, and I just thought, no. Mum and dad are more important. They didn’t get rid of me until I was 33, when I got married!
I try to be very positive about things. I’ve always been like that though, just be positive and do what needs doing. Then maybe, it affects you later, you know.
Mum passed away a few years later, so I had to look after my dad. By this time I was married and everything. Then unfortunately my dad passed away, 2 years ago now.
Sometimes I do think I just want to run away from everything, when things have been bad. But I’ve got a little boy and girl, so I think… if I let myself go, it’ll upset them.
I’m a good ‘looking-after-er’. I’m a good one for looking after people. As much as you’d just like to weep and wail, you can’t, because other people rely on you. That’s why you’ve got to be strong.
I’ve always been a strong person. Even now, I tend to find that if I get really low, I think - no, I can’t be like this too much - so I do painting or I find things to do. I don’t let it get me down too much, because you’ve only got one life. You can’t let it get to you.
Story told in Romford, HAVERING, UK (2020)
I’m James… and I am strong.
“A story of strength for me, really, is thinking about my little brother Billy. He was born 12 years ago and I was just finishing university at the time and I decided to move home and help out. I’ve kind of spent the last 12 years supporting Mum and Bill. About 2 or 3 years ago, he stopped eating suddenly… and refused to eat anything.
It had been coming for a long time: He’d been really struggling at school and he’d started getting really picky with his food about the February time. It was about July and we ended up in Hospital with him. We managed to get him out of hospital, but Billy would only eat microwave chips and drink a smoothie or a milkshake. We just didn’t really know what what going on. We thought he was just being really fussy… This went on for a really long time. He started to refuse to go to school, he started self harming, and then he hurt his foot and refused to walk and would just hop everywhere. Then he just stopped talking. Completely stopped talking.
Over this time we were just going from different support service, to doctor to expert, just playing the referral game. We were just moved from pillar to post. Mum and I have both got teaching backgrounds, we‘re both quite well informed about mental illness and we just had no idea what was going on. He’d always been a little bit quirky, but just a young fun little guy - so he’d had a complete transformation where he’d become a different person during this time.
I remember taking him on a wheelchair into London from Romford, being on this train - just being there and not knowing what to do for the best, how to help him the most. You know, this is a person that I’d helped raise from being a baby… There was a moment on the train on the way back with Mum and Bill and it was kind of like: You know what, we’re going to get through this. He can get better. And it did get a lot worse, after that…
But I remember, a week or two after that moment, Mum called me when I was travelling down to Devon. She’d found this website which was a description of a type of Autism called PDA (or Pathological Demand Avoidance). I read the description of it - and it just really was a summary of Bill. What it said was that you just actually need to take all the pressure off - you need to take structure away - because people who have this kind of Autism, they’re trying to control the environment. They’re managing extreme anxiety and they need some sort of control. The reason they may stop eating is because it’s one thing they can actually control. While I was away in Devon, my Mum started to implement some of these strategies - and within a week he started to eat again. It just started working. It was like a miracle.
I learned a lot from that time. I’m a typical man in some ways, in that you want to fix problems - you always think there’s an answer and you want to give people the answer. You want things to improve really quickly. And you know, change doesn’t happen like that… It takes time and it takes just being there and supporting people. That’s what I learned: I don’t need to have all the answers, I just need to be there.
I remember crying in this cottage in Devon and just being so pleased. I think that’s my story of strength… knowing that just by being there - by being supportive to mum and being supportive to Bill - that ultimately that’s what made the difference in the end. Just persevering. That was a real moment of strength, I would say…
Story told in Romford, HAVERING, UK (2020)
My name is Joanne… and I am very strong now.
Strong? That would have been when I got out of my marriage. I had a very low point, but when I actually did it, that was my strong point. It took many many years to build up to it, but I literally woke up one day and thought - I don’t need this any more.
I booked a table. Took him out for dinner and told him that I didn’t love him anymore and couldn’t be with him anymore. Quite a shock to him, I must admit, but there was a lot going on. He wasn’t faithful, and things like that. You know, you just come to an end and think - I can’t do this anymore. It was once the kids were older, married you know, babies of their own. That’s when I felt that I had the strength to do it.
It was surprising how many phone calls I got once I had done it. Saying “I can’t believe you’ve done it”… “I wish I had the guts to do it” … So many people!
First phone calls I was thinking “oh my god, they’re going to proper give me some stick here and start running me down” and all that… But no. Loads of support.
My younger sister said (which really upset me) “You know what? I’m so glad to have my sister back”
I went “what do you mean?”
She said “Because you weren’t Joanne… Now that you’re out, you’re Joanne”
It’s not until you’re out of it and you look back, that you think - actually, she’s right, because he did rule me and stop me doing this, that and the other.
Once I’d done it, it felt like a weight - a heavy heavy weight - had been lifted off my shoulders. Then I’ve gone on (this was like 8 years ago now) and I’ve met somebody else, hence I live in Romford now. I never used to. We’ve been together 3 years now…. And it’s all going well.
Story told in Romford, HAVERING, UK (2020)
I am June… and I am a strong woman.
Yeah. I think I am strong when I really look at it deep down.
I went through a divorce, but I brought up two boys… they were 8 and 10 when my marriage broke down. I’ve been very lucky because, although any breakdown of a relationship is stressful and hard, I had supportive people around me.
The strength came, I think, from having people around me. Knowing that I had people to turn to. This is something that a lot of people, unfortunately, don’t have. I think this is one of the things with strength: you can draw your strength from other people, if you’ve got good support. People aren’t necessarily weak if other things happen to them - It’s because they haven’t got decent support.
Once we split, I went back to drama (because I needed to make new friends) which was brilliant! A lot of the time, when you’re on your own, if you want to go out and meet people - you have to go out on your own. You have to make that step, of going out.
A woman I worked with was married and that, and she said to me “oh how can you walk in there on your own” and I said to her “Because if I don’t, I’m not going to do anything.” You have to just get on with life. My grandmother always said “You make your bed, you’ve got to lay in it” - in other words, just get on with it darling!
That is what gives you the strength. You think, if I don’t actually make that effort myself, nothing’s going to happen - I’m going to sit here, on my own, doing nothing, and getting depressed. So I think it’s having the strength to make that initial ‘reaching-out’ to people.
Story told in Romford, HAVERING, UK (2020)
My Name is Sandra… I’m a very strong
Grandmother, Mother, and hopefully Great-Grandmother one day!
In the 1970s I was a young mother. It was very much the ‘in thing’ to take as many drugs as you could take. I ended up, from taking cannabis, to eventually taking heroin. Eventually it almost killed me. I was 6 stone. I was on the brink of losing one of my children.
Somebody said to me one day: “you are dying”
and I went: “don’t be daft”
But when I actually looked at myself in the mirror… Could make me cry now… I just stood for a minute and thought, you know, really look at yourself. You are lost. You’ve got family, but you’re lost. You need to do something about this, else you are going to die.
I think it’s just about… it’s just a decision of… are you going to allow this substance to hide the hurt that you feel inside. And that’s what it’s all about. Everybody who takes drugs has got a hidden pain and the drugs, they think, makes them feel better. But eventually the drug devours them. So I would say to anybody, you have to look within yourself. You can go to services, counselling, whatever (mine was my faith). But anyone who chooses to suddenly think - I don’t want this sadness, I don’t want this destruction anymore - has got to find something that can open up what really is going on in their hearts. They’re wounded. Wounded people, you know.
I was wounded. I was lost. And I see a lot of lost kids. I can talk with them, I go “you know, I’m on your level, I know exactly where you are.” It’s pain. Pain. But my heart, when I see these kids…
I think sometimes what they need to know, really, is that they are worth something. You’re worth something. No matter how much you’ve failed, you’re valuable. But at the end of the day, if you don’t control your brain, you’re going to be 6 foot under.
I went into the middle london, in Baker Street, stayed with friends. When I came back my life was absolutely transformed - but I had 2 years of the absolute horror of seeing what drugs did to me.
If I see anyone on the streets I’m just there going - I’ve been there. I’m a grandmother now, I’ve got a 24 year old grandson who’s gorgeous and an 11 year old. I’ve got a beautiful son and daughter. I’ve got my own little bungalow. I made it, I made it through and I’m here to tell the tale. I’m a richer person for it though, and I’ve got a full life. A beautiful life. There’s hope for everybody.
It’s fantastic… I’m so glad that I’ve been able to share that actually…
Story told in Harold Hill, HAVERING, UK (2020)
My name is Lorretta… and I’m Strong.
Oh, I don’t know… there’s so many things, because I was a single parent a long time ago. I’ve got 3 kids and one of them is 24 now, she’s got her own child (well I’m 50, I’m not that young).
So it was a long time ago… this is the shortest version I can give you… I used to be at art college. I met her dad and he convinced me to leave, which was the worst thing I ever did, because I absolutely love art. Then I suppose I just kind of made a go of it. I had a kid - which is great, she’s great - but you know, he was just a horrible person.
Trying to look after your child on your own…
I had to go to work (full time job) my mum took her in when I was at work, so she had to put her to bed. It’s just very sad, when you leave and little-uns are crying at the door, it’s just the worst thing ever. Having to leave her every time I had to go in, it’s just terrible, because you see that every day. You don’t see that they’re ok, you just see that. It was just awful.
And when she had to go and see her dad, you’re out of control. He moved a long way away, so he used to come and get her and she’d be gone for a weekend and you’re just like “I can’t control this, he’s not even local, I can’t do anything, I can’t see her, I”… and you feel like you’re just left with this… not knowing.
But listening to other people go through all these things, you think, lots of people go through these rotten things, it’s not just me. You just get on with it, you just do it, don’t you.
Also, I was doing it for her - I wanted her to see that.
I just used to think, well, you make the days you have off the best days. That’s what I used to do, I just did everything with her on my days off, I just played with her all the time. And I just did what I could. I was always taking her out, making sure she was with me, playing with her and doing stuff with her all the time. Then when I was at work, what else could I do?
It was the best I could do. I can’t say I’d do it differently, even though I do regret leaving her so often. You have to work to get what you get, you have to keep going, just to keep sticking by it… just to keep going all the time… it was a long time!
It was really horrible - but - I’m still here.
Story told in Romford, HAVERING, UK (2020)
My Name is Donald… and I am strong.
When I knew my mum was not going to last very long, in hospital, I did have a laugh and a joke with her. I kissed her goodbye, but I didn’t let her know that I was upset. I know this sounds a bit silly, but I said “Don’t worry mum, you’re going to be ok soon” - and she said “don’t be silly son, I’ll be 6 foot under soon.” I laughed and said “don’t be stupid” - and she said “no you’re stupid.” I left her on that note and I never saw her again. But it was a kind of… she was having a bit of fun with me. But it was very hard not to cry. I was more upset knowing that my mum might have known that she was going to die.
There’s lots of crossroads. I mean, I’m nearly 70 years of age now, where do you start.
I think I’m quite strong, because I’ve got 3 daughters and I still haven’t had a nervous breakdown yet. I wouldn’t say I was great as a dad, I’m a bit short fuse. I think I’m quite a strong person, considering at my age, 68, that my youngest daughter is 11. That’s the penalty for marrying a woman 21 years younger than myself - I’m not complaining!
I think you have to be strong through life anyway. You shouldn’t think negative. You should think positive, because life’s too short, as we probably both know. We all have sad loss of people, that’s unavoidable. I was a bit of a bad boy when I was younger, you know. But I learned my lesson a lot.
Even then, I was strong. I got strength from my mistakes.
I was in prison when I was very young - only for a minor offence, but it did actually put me on the straight and narrow, thank god. I just got caught up in the wrong gang. I’m talking 40 odd years ago now. It was a short sharp lesson, less than a year’s prison, but it really did sort me out. But I still make mistakes now.
I really don’t think it matters how old you are or how much wisdom you’ve got, you still make mistakes.
I think you’ve just got to take life as it comes.
You know, don’t be afraid.
Story told in Rainham, HAVERING, UK (2020)
My name is Diane… and I am strong.
I’m going back to when I was about 39 years of age. I was on my own with 3 children, 2 of them very young. I was working at the NHS at the time, but in those days you weren’t earning enough money - So, as well as a full time job on the NHS, I had 2 other jobs.
I’d come home from the NHS and 3 evenings a week I’d work in the social club (my eldest daughter was able to look after the others). It was fun, it was more like a social life for me. So three nights a week I was there. Then 2 days a week (on Saturday and Sunday mornings) I used to get up very early, at 5 o’clock, to go and work in a kitchen at the Mawney Hotel in Romford serving breakfasts.
I just had to. You just do it. You just find the strength. I look back now and I think to myself: how did I do 3 jobs? 1 full time and 2 part time? How did I do it? But you do, because you want to look after your family. You’ve got no-one else to do it, so you’ve got to do it. So I just went out there and… found the strength.
But I enjoyed it. Luckily I found jobs that I enjoyed - I didn’t go into it with that - but I met such lovely people. I can get on with people, I chat away to them. It’s really fun. I just made it my social life at the time, because I wasn’t going anywhere else. I’d go to the jobs, come home again and be with the children, spend time with them.
But then at work, I was getting a bit bored. I’d done admin and secretarial all my life, and I was a bit bored. I wanted to move on. So I went and did a management course. It let me see what else is available. I learnt about HR and counselling and training… I decided to look at all those jobs and think, do I like any of those? I didn’t want to be in the office again, which is HR. Counselling yes, I went and did a counselling course - but training! Yes! I loved it. I wanted to do it.
I finished that course, all set up and thinking right, that’s it, done! But the tutor said ‘No you’re not. We want you to do your second year and get a degree.’ I’m thinking… Pardon? Me? With 3 children? And a house to upkeep? And 3 jobs? Where am I going to find the time?
But you do. You find the time. Once the children were in bed I used to burn the candle at both ends, studying until 1 o’clock in the morning for the next year. Got my degree. Never looked back. A few years later I had the chance to leave the NHS. So I left and I moved on - and I now work for myself. I’ve never been happier.
I’m quite a strong person anyway, always have been. I’m lucky like that. But it could have easily gone the other way - and at first it did. The first couple of months when I was on my own, I was quite… upset. I didn’t go into deep depression, but I was on the way. I thought, I can’t have this. It’s not me. Find the fun in it. And try. Try. If you don’t try, you won’t succeed.
Story told in Romford, HAVERING, UK (2020)
I’m Julia… and I am strong.
I think that I’ve realised, particularly recently (I’ve had a sneaking suspicion for years) that I might have this inner core of… I suppose I don’t think of it as strength, I think of it as resilience. In the last year, I’ve really proved that to myself.
I would now say I know that I absolutely have resilience.
So I left a job last year, that I’d been in for 13 years, and went freelance. That was all going wonderfully well - and then Covid hit. All of my face to face work literally disappeared overnight, so I was left thinking “ooo.” Mortgage to pay, bills to pay, my husband was furloughed and ultimately let go, so we had that as well. My daughter had to come home from university, so she was suddenly at home. We were starting to think “how are we going to manage financially?”
I applied to every local supermarket and didn’t get an interview for any of them - we still laugh and think “I couldn’t even get a job at Morrison’s or wherever.” Then my daughter spotted an advert for Health Care Assistants and I applied. I got an Interview, which was tough - it was by no means a done deal - but I was hired. So since April I’ve been working as a Health Care Assistant at our local hospital, Queens Hospital.
Lots of people said to me “what does that mean?”
and I said “it’s bed making and bodily fluids”
Lots of people said, before I started “oh, I don’t know if I could do that”
and I said “I don’t know whether I can - but I’ll find out”
It turns out that it is something that I can do. It was hard… and it was hot… and it was sweaty… and there were times where I did think “I don’t know if I can do this…” But I’ve been there ever since.
Even when internally you’re flapping (you’re doing the duck thing or the swan thing, the legs are frantically going under the water) I have that ability to just go “Ok, You can do this.” And before you know, you’re doing it.
Got my big girl pants on! The way I deal with everything I find challenging isn’t usually to cry and run away or anything - I might have cry and run away in the bathroom, and then I say “right, come on, big girl pants on, just do it.” Like anybody else, I suffer from anxiety, we all have things that we suffer from or that make us anxious - but I refuse to be beaten by it. It’s like any job. You have days that are terrible and you just can’t wait for the shift to end - and then you have days where you come out and it’s a really good shift and I have some really nice interactions with people…
So firstly I’ve realised that I can do that job - and that actually when things are tough, I am willing to do absolutely anything. I get home and I feel really good about what I did today. It wasn’t easy!Some of it, I know, some people couldn’t physically stomach - but none of it was a problem for me.
Realising that I’ve got that resilience - two types of resilience: emotional resilience and practical resilience - has made me feel strong.
Story told in Orchard Village, HAVERING, UK (2020)
My Name is Lesley… and I am Strong.
I run the community centre, I’ve been here 40 years nearly. I’ve always been voluntary, I’ve never been paid, and I enjoy what I do. I’m not going to say I do it for my community - I DO - but I enjoy what I do. I’m a people person - and I feel good if I can help somebody, you know, that makes ME feel good. We do support each other, it’s a bit like a big family working here, really.
Obviously, with Coronavirus the centre had to shut. My staff have been brilliant, they’re on furlough but they have done some volunteering to keep the food bank running. We have a helpline, so we had to keep that running, obviously. So the caretaker was taking messages and taking phone numbers. Then I was ringing them and talking to them. I’m not a legal person, but if I could help them or point them in the right direction, I was. But we sort of managed through…
Unfortunately, in June, my bungalow burnt down. At anybody’s age, it’s not a good thing, but obviously at my age it was a shock. Nobody knows exactly what the cause was, the fire brigade didn’t know. It was just a very very hot day… and… you just have to get on with it.
We couldn’t go to a hotel because there weren’t any open. We actually stopped with my daughter the first night - which I’m not really supposed to, because she works in a school - but she just opened the front door and we went up to the bedroom and straight in there. Then we were in a hotel room for 5 weeks, which wasn’t very pleasant because you’ve breakfast but you had to have takeaway every night. No restaurants were open… So it was a bit of a struggle.
I am quite a strong willed person and it’s a case of - you’ve got to get on with it - sort of thing, you know? And we did. We made do. We are in another house at the moment, just locally. It’s still not home. I didn’t think it stressed me out, but I did lose 2 stone in weight, so I’m assuming it did.
But, literally, I just got on with it. People said to me “we don’t know how you’re coping” - but I said - “what do you do? If you sit and cry all the time it doesn’t help anybody, does it?” So you really just have to get on with it.
I’ve got lots of really good friends, lovely neighbours who you you know “if we can do anything for you…” So you know, I’m quite lucky there. I do help a lot of people out, so obviously it was nice to know that at least the people I helped were quite happy to be there for me when I needed it as well. That was really nice. But as I say, you’ve really just got to get on with it, haven’t you - got to struggle on. At least we’ve got a roof over our head and nobody was hurt, that’s the main thing.
I honestly think that actually keeping the community centre going, although it was a struggle, it was a good thing - because it took my mind off of the house burning. I’m not somebody that likes to sit about indoors, but obviously for some of the time I had to. Even then I can’t just sit. I’m not a person that just sits and watches the telly. So I’ve been knitting things to sell, for when we can open up.
I mean, a lot of my family say “can you not just sit still?”
No. I can’t.
Obviously we weren’t open, so I couldn’t do a great deal - but I could do bits and pieces and answer some of the problems that people had phoned in with, that sort of thing. So I think that helped me.
Helping other people, helped me stay strong.
Story told in Rainham, HAVERING, UK (2020)
I am Janice… and I am Strong.
I think the beginning was when I got a divorce… I was at home. I had huge bills. I had 2 small children. I remember sitting down and thinking - I’m going to change. I am going to do something. What can I change?
In my mind I’ve always had that idea of “Don’t look at the things you can’t change - look at the things you can change.”
So I couldn’t change my debt at that time, but there are things I can change to give my children the best future and be a good role model. I changed myself and developed myself. I thought, I’m going to climb the career ladder and change my career. So I started off with a level 3 BTEC in childcare and worked my way all through my degree up to a post graduate certificate in education. I had to do it while I was working and looking after the 2 children. I remember I was lucky in that a lot of the people I worked with were giving me day releases, so I am grateful for that. I thought - I will do this, because…
I had 2 small children, I wouldn’t be going out a lot or doing a lot.
I needed to make something for them - 2 girls - I had to be a role model. They needed to look at me and say “well my mum did it - I watched her study, I can do that”. They see that it is not untouchable. These dreams and whatever you want to be, you can do it. Because they’ve seen it.
I was never going to get out of the financial rut, with the high mortgage and things like that, if I didn’t progress.
So there were a lot of factors going into it, logical factors. The only thing I didn’t realise was - it really is the journey that makes you. It really was. It’s not so much that it makes you a different person, it’s still you - but it makes your confidence higher without you realising it. It makes you feel… Yes I can do this! I did do that!
It wasn’t getting the title at all, it was the actual process of getting there and the working towards it. Learning about your own resilience. Learning that you can change - that you are doing well.
I think that if anyone was in that place where they wanted to advance, and move, and change their direction… and it looks quite daunting… My advice to you is to just take it 1 month at a time. 1 week at a time. Just go for it. Sign up for whatever you’re doing, whatever you want to do, and say - Let’s go for it!
Story told in Harold Hill, HAVERING, UK (2020)
I’m Mark… I am strong.
Ok. So my strength is to identify things in people, that others don’t see - for them to be able to help themselves.
I worked for the college. The job I had before, I would train chefs in London, so I’d go around London’s 5 star hotels and train them.
I wanted to get local people, who maybe didn’t have the best upbringing, to get them a really good job in London. If they were ambitious enough.
The college didn’t share that same ambition as me… and thought they could just get a job in Romford… I said “you know what, I’ve got really good contacts in London. We could get 5 star hotels. Let’s give them the best start to life.” I wanted the best for them. I wanted them to do well.
This particular area is kind of deprived, and if you say you’re from Harold Hill… it has this kind of… people look down at people from Harold Hill - and I wanted the best for some of these people. Yes it was hard, very very stressful, I can assure you… but I wanted the best for these people.
The easiest thing to do is to send the students to Romford or local places, to work in cafes, but I didn’t want that, I wanted better for them. It’s obviously harder work for me, because I’ve got to go into London to meet up with the chefs - but for them, it’s the opportunity of a lifetime.
So, yeah... it was quite good to do that. Some of the people that I got jobs for, in London hotels, are now executive head chefs.
There’s one guy, he helped on the Harold Hill Festival, where we used to do a stall. All volunteers. He helped me on the stall, cooking. I saw something in him, so I said “you know what, I’ve got some good links…” I got him an apprenticeship in a 5 star hotel in London. He’s actually not long left working at Buckingham Palace. He works in 5 start hotels, he’s really happy, he’s doing really well. Just by giving him that avenue to prove himself… He was so grateful, it was so lovely. I see him walking around sometimes, and his family comes up to me and tells me what’s going on, it’s just so lovely to see.
Because the area they’ve come from is Barking or Dagenham or Havering or Harold Hill, they don’t have the confidence. And it’s just giving them the information they need, to help them. Because I could see there was something in these people. I spent a long time in catering in hotels and restaurants to know, to identify somebody who’s got the passion… You do it as a career and a PASSION.
If I can see a little bit of passion in somebody, I’ll help them point in the right direction - and when you do that, it’s satisfying.
It’s something that I believe in. I want the best for people…
And just by helping people, they can help themselves…
And not only just themselves, but others!
Story told in Romford, HAVERING, UK (2020)
I am strong.
My sister is my best friend but she struggled with alcohol abuse, pretty much all of her life. It’s gotten quite violent, over time, but last year it all came to a head. So end of this month, she would have been a year sober. We kind of fell out a bit, when it all came to a head last year… and then I felt really… alone.
I’m going to get emotional… only because I felt like I’d lost my best friend. I felt like I couldn’t help her. I’d tried… our whole lives, I’d tried to help her and that obviously hadn’t worked. So then I thought, the only thing I can do is to show that this is a really serious problem, and to take a step back. But by doing that I had isolated myself as well. Now we are back in contact. We were out of contact for a few months, but got back in contact this year - and we’re finally back to where we were before.
It was really hard actually, towards the end of last year and the start of this year, because I live on my own as well. I was just feeling really alone. I’ve got loads of friends and a huge family, but everyone’s kind of got their own pockets. I’m single as well. But all my friends are in relationships, starting families of their own and everything… and I sort of don’t, now, fit into any of those pockets.
Then this year [Covid] happened. I’m sure everyone, this year, at some point has felt a bit lonely - but maybe this year has shown how far it can reach, into all different ages and different backgrounds. You still feel isolated, but I’m hoping that this year means we all talk about it more, rather than just shutting the door and not looking at it.
It’s very easy to say you should talk to people, or if you feel lonely you should just reach out… But when you feel lonely, you don’t want to reach out sometimes, because then you feel like people are only talking to you because you’ve asked them to talk to you. The main thing from this year, I guess, is just keeping in contact with people or dropping people a message or a phone call for no reason, rather than feeling like you’ve instigated something.
It’s just accepting what the situation is and trying to pick out a positive or just feel ok with it. If anything, the last year has shown me that everything is just a moment in time and it will pass at some point. So to try to stay positive, until it does pass, and then you’ll be able to get through it.
Then always, when you look back, it doesn’t look that bad, does it? But at the time it was the worst… the worst thing that had happened, because I thought I had really broken my relationship with my sister. It’s at a better stage now. She’s been sober for a year and we can still talk about everything.
She’s my rock, but I didn’t realise how much I was hers, as well.
So I’m still kind of struggling with it at the moment… But I’m getting more used to telling people how I feel, then accepting their help, or even asking for help… and knowing that they’ll be there.
